DISPATCHES FROM RETAIL-MANIA

Overheard - or conversations I was actually involved in - at work:

"Does this make me/my butt look fat?" (Yes, women actually say this, and with surprising regularity)

"I know it says 'dry clean only' - what I want to know is what will happen if I put it in the wash?"

"It's 100% cotton...I wonder if it will shrink."

"Ouch! I don't know why they call it a funny bone, because it sure doesn't make me laugh when I bang it!" (Totally non-clothes related, but still at work)

And my personal favorite, from yesterday:

Male shopper: "Would this jumper fit my wife's breasts?"
Me: "Pardon?"
Male shopper: "I want to buy this jumper for my wife but am not sure if it will fit her breasts."
Me: "Well...is she large-chested?" (Trying to be delicate about the situation)
Male shopper, holding his hands cupped in front of him: "They're a good size."

I make the appropriate - based on description and pantomime - size recommendation and we're golden. I promise you that I am recounting this conversation as faithful to the original; it so impressed me at the time that I made special note to remember it exactly for later relation here.

Whilst these conversations do provide for some amusement, I have to admit that I miss having a job where I can toss out words like "paradigm" without bringing the whole shop to a screeching halt - "Para-what? That some sort of Canadian word?" - and where I don't have to bite my tongue from launching into an anatomy lecture on how the "funny bone" derives its name from its correct name, the "humerus". Oy.