LESSONS LEARNED

Well, folks, I am officially unemployed.

No, I did not finally snap and screech at a customer: "You poop-head! What makes you think that I enjoy having the palm of your hand shoved within inches of my nose when all I've done is ask you if I can be of assistance??!!". It's just that, as of next week, I will be making my formal return to the world of academia and research, as a member of the university's department of animal behaviour. It would be just a wee bit of an understatement to say that I am excited about starting my new job.

I am going to be studying imprinting behaviour in domestic chickens ("Chickens!!??", my ex-boss at Gap said, "You're leaving us for CHICKENS??!!") with a very well-established research group, in the role of their senior technician. This means a return to both playing with animals and actually using my brain cells - I can't wait! And, while I promise to write more about this new venture in future blog entries, today I'm going to focus on what I've learned from my foray into retail:

1. There are a lot of friendly, genuine customers out there - those folks who appreciated my help and asked me great questions about Canada. These customers helped to keep me sane when the not-so-nice customers were doing their best to destroy all that goodwill.

2. Along with rude customers, there are a certain percentage of crazies out there, and unfortunately you don't discover their craziness until you've had to serve them - thereby making them impossible to avoid. I've written about a few of the kookier customers in past entries.

3. I used to think that customer service was easy, compared to "brain work" like research - but now I think it only tends to be easy when you are dealing with polite customers. It can be very challenging when you have to be polite and professional all the time, no matter how rude someone else is to you. (Not that I would be rude in return, but, if I were interacting with such a person on the street, I could just walk away).

4. I am still amazed by how some people get obsessed about having only the latest fashion, and the amount of money that is spent on outfitting oneself. Apparently, I've a ways to go before I can rate myself as officially stylish.

5. There exists this hidden (previously, to me) world of mothers and young children/babies who have to find ways to occupy themselves during the day. Who knew there were so many babies out there? I guess I just didn't see many of them wandering around UBC.

6. I will never again underestimate the benefits of autonomy. At my retail job, I had to clock in and out (i.e. my lunchbreak was timed to the minute), let someone know I was going to the loo, etc. This was a hard routine to accept after years of working basically for myself and being trusted to get the job done without being micro-managed.

7. I've learned to fold a pair of jeans in 4.6 seconds flat and a man's shirt in under 10 - laundry in our household will never be the same again.

I'm sure that I've learned a lot of valuable character lessons as well, but the healing power of time is required before I can look back totally fondly and without bias. Plus, I need to start re-generating those brain cells so that I can actually remember what lessons I might have learned.

And for all of you, as customers - I would be remiss if I failed to gently give some pointers that make the lives of salespeople much more pleasant:

1. Please be clean when you try on clothes. If you hand us back rank-smelling clothes when you come out of the fitting rooms, we can't just put the stinky article back out for some poor, unsuspecting soul to try on next.

2. Ditto for ladies with the make-up. Unless you have perfected the technique of removing your top without smearing your foundation/lipstick all over said clothing, it might be best to avoid trying on too many items.

3. When looking for your size, READ THE LABELS. There is absolutely no need to start chucking items on the floor as you paw through the clothes looking for your size. Admittedly the multi-country labels can be a bit confusing but here is the trick: the size you are looking for is next to your country's flag. In England's case, we are talking about the Union Jack (you've no idea how many people have asked me which flag is theirs - and I'm not even British!).

4. Do not yell at the salesperson if you don't understand how the sizing works, if your size is not on the floor, or if there is a line at the fitting rooms/till. Yell at them if they are rude to you, but please for the love of God, do not get hissy over things they cannot control.

5. It is perfectly acceptable to tell a salesperson that you don't need/want their help; they key is not to thrust your palm towards their face or simply stare through them to indicate this preference. Salespeople do have brains, and they do recognize when you are being insulting.

6. Underwear CANNOT BE RETURNED. Would you like to shop at a store that you knew accepted returned shorts? (Again, you would be amazed at the number of times I've had to explain this concept to people).

7. Don't try to hide something you want (for example, a shirt) to eventually buy in with totally different items, hoping that other customers won't spot it and buy it themselves. Firstly: customers have homing-in devices in their forebrains to detect the odd item out; secondly: having discovered that another customer covets that shirt enough to try to hide it and thus subvert its purchase by anyone else, the perceived value of said item immediately increases and current customer will snatch it right up ; and thirdly: if some shop-happy customer doesn't find the article of clothing first, you bet your behind that an eagle-eyed salesperson will, and that they'll return it to the correct location. It is so, so much simpler to put the item on hold.

8. Let us have a word about the twisty-fold. You know what I'm talking about. Upon unfolding a shirt or whatever to get a better look at it, there is nothing sillier than bunching it up in your hands and doing this twirly-twisty contortion that somewhat mimics a folded article of clothing, but is clearly not. I appreciate the effort that goes into not simply throwing the clothes on the floor, but the twisty-fold really is a silly way to circumnavigate the issue.

Despite this being MY blog, and therefore clearly comprised of only MY experiences and impressions, I feel that I should add a disclaimer to today's entry because not all salespeople are nearly as neurotic as I about customer behaviour. So, feel free to shop at will and, if you must, throw in a twisty-fold or two; after all, I'm no longer serving you!