SQUISH 'EM

I sit here on my couch and the floor about my feet is littered with carcasses. Teeny, squished, mosquito carcasses. And so the battle begins.

England (at least the southern regions) is blessed by a notable lack of mosquitos. Midges, yes - although I've yet to be bit by these apparently fearsome critters - but mosquitos exist in much lower numbers that one would expect, particularly given the wet, mild climate. When we first got to Cambridge last year, I remember looking at the River Cam and being thankful we weren't living riverside; that slow-moving water and the small fen ponds screamed 'Mosquitos Breed Here!' to me.

Luckily I was wrong in my predictions and we've been able to enjoy days and evenings outside virtually biting-bug-free. However we've recently noticed an increase in mosquito population, or at least in the numbers of mosquitos flying in to our house in the evenings. For the first time we actually have to do a "mosquito check" of our bedroom before I allow us to turn off the lights (note: Ray HATES doing mosquito check but I have pointed out to him that if I don't sleep, he doesn't sleep).

Along with the mosquitos, spiders are moving into our house at a rather worrying pace. We probably have about half a dozen resident spiders at the moment, and those are just the ones that I've noticed and wave "hi!" to in the mornings. The spiders and I have a working relationship: if they catch the other bugs, they get to stay. This means I need to see evidence of a web (located in a prime bug-traffic location; above doorways and windows are good but next to the shower won't cut it) within a day or so of my first becoming aware of a particular spider's presence.

Thus our household bugaboo policy is summarized here:

Spiders: live and let live, unless ye be a biting spider, and then you get the big ol' tennis shoe treatment. As outlined above, all spiders must work for their keep or find themselves subject to the protocol for miscellaneous flying and/or crawling things that don't bite.

Miscellaneous flying and/or crawling things that don't bite: catch and release into the great outdoors, sufficiently far enough from my back door to make it too much effort for said bug to be bothered to find their way back through the door. If I'm feeling lazy, this policy is subject to be altered thusly: catch and release, but "release" means being dropped into the nearest spider web. Hey, nature ain't always pretty.

Mosquitos: clearly the only sensible approach is all-out extermination - hopefully of the mosquitos and not myself. The trick here is to avoid, as much as possible, using my bare hands (because this is just gross); bonus points are allotted to each kill made with a non-standard squisher such as a pillow. Deduct points for mosquito smear left on wall/furniture/Ray, also if said smear is red meaning the mosquito got me before I got it.

Haven't I mentioned before that it's like "Wild Kingdom" over here?