BUG JUICE

(This thought is leftover from our trip up to the Lake District)

Public Service Announcement for British people: the squeegee is a wonderful invention.

During our recent trip up North we encountered a lot of bugs. Or more specifically, our windscreen encountered a lot of bugs. Everyone is familiar with the following formula:

(1) [(bug) x (squishy-ness)] + [(windscreen) x (car velocity)] = impossible to see

And sure enough, once a few bugs were smeared on the glass it became difficult to admire the scenery we were driving through. Bad situation when you are in a stunningly beautiful place!

Now, by modifying the above formula thus:

(2) [(bug) x (squishy-ness)] + [(windscreen) x (car velocity)] / [(bug juice application) x (bug juice formula) / (wiper blade quality) x 50(amount of time squished bug carcass has spent stuck to windscreen)] = visibility(??)

We see that the our result, "visibility", is strongly influenced by the amount of time the squished bug carcass has spent stuck to the windscreen (note the factor of 50 in front of this variable). In our case, some of the squished bugs were stuck for more than 12 hours - overnight - before we tried to do anything about them. Had Ray and I been using our noggins and applied Formula (2) to our situation we would have realized that we needed to get some powerful dissolving bug juice to overcome the length of time the bugs were squished on the windscreen...but no, we merrily took off on our adventure and were foolhardy enough to attempt Formula (3):

(3) {[(bug) x (squishy-ness)] + [(windscreen) x (car velocity)] / [(bug juice application) x (bug juice formula) / (wiper blade quality) x 50(amount of time squished bug carcass has spent stuck to windscreen)]} x (strong wind) x (wiper blades turned on full-speed alternated with short blasts of non-dissolving bug juice formula) = BIG MESS

See, in Canada, we would never have made it past Formula (1), if we even made it to that point. Canadian gas stations are all equipped with squishy bug-removal arsenals of squeegees, soapy water and/or bug dissolving juice, and paper towels. Every time you stop for gas, you clean the windscreen. If you're feeling posh you can even drive through the Full Serve bay and have a peppy pump jockey do the scrubbing and squeegee-ing for you. If you're feeling charitable you can have your already-spotless windscreen cleaned again, only a few blocks past the gas station and for just the change in your cupholder, by your friendly neighbourhood squeegee kid.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HAVING A SQUISHY BUG WINDSCREEN IN CANADA.

And neither should there be one in England. They do have bugs here too, you know. They even have the kind of bugs that like to live dangerously, hovering above the roads waiting for the next headlight ("Yessirree, Marv, that be a purty light a comin' our way! Fly to the light, Marv, fly to the light!") or slipstream ("Whee! Frank! When that next vroom-y thing comes by, just hang out here and you'll get whooshed up over top and along the backside. Just don't fly too low, near that grill thing. Whee! Uh, Frank? What happened to Frank?"). I've certainly cycled into enough bugs on my way to work that I can vouch for their plentiful numbers. So why the lack of effective bug removal appratus? How can a country that spawned some of the greatest minds in recent history not grasp this particular subtlety of motoring?

Our tale of windscreen woe ends on the morning of our third day in the Lake District; we happened upon a gas station with a bucket of water and a sponge sitting unattended near the door to the shop. I didn't know the official role of that bucket, but after assuring myself that it wasn't a latrine I grabbed it and the sponge and proceeded to give our windscreen a good wash. Nothing to squeegee with, but that's beside the point. Success achieved, via Formula (4):

{[(bug) x (squishy-ness)] + [(windscreen) x (car velocity)] / [(bug juice application) x (bug juice formula) / (wiper blade quality) x 50(amount of time squished bug carcass has spent stuck to windscreen)]} x (strong wind) x (wiper blades turned on full-speed alternated with short blasts of non-dissolving bug juice formula) / (judicious application of elbow grease under the startled gaze of fellow gas station filler-uppers) = sparkling clean windscreen.

Yes.